by EK Wills
1. Keep the channels of communication open
In this digital age when kids spend much of their time on their devices, it is vital to encourage ongoing connection. This helps them to learn how to socialise, engage in small talk, tell stories and resolve conflicts. And hopefully they feel able to come to you when they need help.
It also paves the way for the tough topics like sex, consent, protection as well as drugs (safety and experimentation).
Try to continue family gatherings at dinner to facilitate this without making it forced.
2. We are not Google but we can learn from it
Your kids know that if they want to find out anything, it is actually available at their fingertips. So if you are unsure of how to talk about or approach specific issues, there are ways to figure it out. Do some research or a course, or ask your network of friends or family, even the school counsellor.
3. Be clear about your expectations as well as the consequences
As your teen edges closer to adulthood, they need to continue to contribute to the household. This will help make daily chores more manageable and teach them how to be able to live independently when the time comes.
They can learn to cook, clean, garden as part of their contribution and it can be mutually decided on who does which tasks. In our house, we have a system of weekly chores that are paid a reasonable amount (on top of pocket money that is paid once rooms are clean). The expectation is that a portion is saved and a portion is free to spend, which sets up good financial habits early.
4. Family meetings for tough topics
A useful extension of meal time family gatherings, is the family meeting.
You can call a family meeting at any time to talk about problems that have arisen in the running of the household or to talk about the way you would like things to work. They can even be a discussion around holiday planning so it is not always serious or resisted by your teen (s).
Like any meeting, it is important to know what you would like to address and have an idea of what your solution is. If you have a partner, then pre-discuss your approach. This is not to railroad your children into compliance but to continue the united front. Of course, it is time that your teen has a voice so they can feel heard and part of the decision – making process, too.
5. Remember self care and date night
It’s not unusual for your relationship to take a back seat to the pressures of family life or for you to differ in opinion on topics related to how things will run. This is where date night can help. It sets aside the time for just the two of you as a couple to remember how to relate to each other.
It can also be hard to not talk about the kids, so you can use that as the ‘ice breaker’ and move onto more fun things like future planning or holiday planning by the main course.
6. Aim for ‘good enough parenting’
There are lots of fads about how to parent but this one is a good one to remember. It was established in the 1950’s by Dr Donald Winnicott, who was a paediatrician and psychoanalyst. He studied mothers and babies and determined it was actually good to be progressively less responsive to children’s needs as they develop and become more independent.
This allows them to make their own mistakes in order to learn rather than controlling or taking over tasks for them.
But it also means that you don’t need to be a perfect parent as everyone learns from mistakes. This is especially worth considering given the stereotype of the ‘good mother’ as being selfless and nurturing, almost saintly. This a sure-fire way to lead to burnout, guilt or dissatisfaction. A good way to think of it is that you need your oxygen mask before you can tend to others.
For some further information on Good Enough Parenting, this provides some thoughts around the concept for further reflection.
7. Be prepared to say sorry
No-one gets it right 100% of the time. When you slip up or misjudge the way that may have a better outcome and can recognise this and apologise, it shows your teen that it is ok.
It may be that in heat of the moment, it is not the ideal time for this process as sometimes situations can flare up when you are actually trying to put out flames. It can take practice to work out when walking away or waiting till the fire storm passes to try to do this effectively.
This is not an exhaustive list but hopefully it covers some FAQ.
Stay tuned for the last instalment on Adult Children.
If you have personal tips you would like to add, comment below, on the MotherMind FB page or on the blog site.
