By E K Wills
The last instalment this week is an attempt to capture the essence of parenting in a practical guide for the mature stage of the parenting journey: with an adult child.
Now your babies are big but your relationships still have further development to consider. This can involves several permutations and include the ‘stay at home adult child’ or the ‘flown the coup adult child’. Let’s consider the first situation because once your child is out of the family home, there is a clear line of responsibility.
1. Consider the flow of the Bank of Mum/Dad
Whether your child stays at home to study or to save money, your financial support needs to have parameters. Even while studying, a person can earn some income for spending or saving purposes.
In our house, when high school is completed and/or a child reaches 18 years, the pocket money stops. Parents provide the roof and food and all else can be self funded.
2. How do you enlist contributions to household chores when the purse strings are tied?
Although we stopped pocket money (earned by chores each week), we still wanted to continue with chores. In order to continue having this arrangement, we suggested that the funds not be paid out directly but pooled so that at the end of the year it was collectively invested into shares for a future fund. This had the benefit of cooperation as well as financial planning.
3. How do rules change with adult children?
Each household will have their own approach to situations like curfews or room privacy and includes things like having partners stay over as well as substance use.
This will depend on the level of individual maturity of your child and your tolerance but can be mutually agreed and re-assessed as required.
Family meetings can be a good way to readdress lapses or needed adjustments. Our household continues to adjust requirements for screen use and family time. The key is for respect of everyone’s boundaries.
4. Allow space but also access to advice
As your child now has their own opinions, it does little to try to impose yours at this stage.
We can all be guilty of thinking our way is the right way to approach things but unsolicited comments do little to influence or change attitudes at this point. Try to avoid commenting on clothes, friends, partners or career choices while keeping the channels open in case your opinion is sought.
5. Remember everyone learns from making mistakes
I remember being told that to find your way in a new city, you need to get lost first. This applies to finding your way in life, too.
Parents try to protect their children from the harsher realities of life but this can only go so far. The best way to learn life lessons is from giving things a go and making mistakes along the way. A good guide can help but they get to choose to take notice or not.
6. Let your child know they can come to you
You may know that your child can come to you when they need you, but do they? Make sure you tell them that you are available as a sounding board, for advice or a shoulder to cry on. All they need to do is ask.
It helps to keep an eye on them while under the same roof, too.
7. Be the adult and act accordingly
We all like to think we take parenting seriously but it’s not an easy gig. Kids did not come with a rule book and we don’t have licences or tests to pass in order to know we are doing it well (but maybe we should!). If you need help, seek out resources or professional assistance to limit passing on the intergenerational family baggage and to share the load.
This is not an exhaustive list but hopefully it covers some FAQ.
Stay tuned for the compilation of the stages into an easy to read reminder for parenting by stages.
If you have personal tips you would like to add, comment below, on the MotherMind FB page or on the blog site.
