This third instalment this week is an attempt to capture the essence of parenting in a practical guide for the third stage of the parenting journey: with baby.
There is no manual that comes with the decision to have a family. Each step is taken and based on advice from friends, family or self-help books. This can be overwhelming and actually feel too overwhelming to tackle….
…This simple step guide to parenting can help set your family up for the best possible foundation without overly complicating your role. It does not preclude other influences involved in the developing of mental ill health such as genetic or uncontrollable environmental influences. We are not robots and we cannot predict the future so we need to approach this to the best of our abilities.
The stages I will address are:
1. Pregnancy
2. Birth
3. Babies
4. Toddlers
5. Preschool
6. Primary
7. Teen
And a supplementary section for adult children.
Seven Steps to Take with Babies
1. Instructions
There are a plethora of baby books/blogs/classes/etc but the biggest challenge is that your model did not come with instructions and each baby prototype is different. This means that those of us that like structure and are used to doing this ‘by the book’ in our professional or personal lives can find this very bewildering. It may mean trying some of those approaches until you find one that works for your family.
If you are one of those people that likes flexibility, then this is potentially a less challenging time. However, if your baby likes structure, then this will likely require a rethink on how this works for your family.
2. The advice of strangers
We all love being told what to do and even more so by strangers…
Some people find it helpful when they are potentially having a tough day but often it will be to tell you how to feed/hold/settle/cover or wrap your baby when you are likely stressed.
Mostly it comes from a genuine desire to help someone after they have experienced their own adjustments to parenthood. If you know that you will likely react in this situation, then a planned response like ‘nod and smile’ or a simple ‘thank you’ is worth having as a back up. You can then decide whether the advice is helpful.
One tip I received from a friend was how to travel lightly, prepared for nappy changes. I even developed a prototype for a nappy pack but you can use a toiletry or make up bag. There are many slick versions of nappy packs available now and you can decide which is right for you.
3. Different approaches
The first two steps lead into this one on how you aim to approach different aspects of care of bub.
a. Sleep routine vs unstructured
b. Demand feeding vs timed
c. Control crying vs attachment parenting such as co-sleeping to go to sleep
d. Confinement (stay at home) vs social supports (mother’s groups, etc)
There are many variations and these do not cover all the considerations but it gives you an idea of what is involved. Each of these have pros and cons which will inform your decisions.
4. What works now will invariably change
Just when you thought you had it figured out, baby decides to not respond as previously and then you need to rethink what you will do or how you will approach it. There are phases you and bub will go through that can relate to stages of growth, illness, stress in the family and more. Each one may require adjustments to manage these phases.
Unfortunately, this is part of the reason why there is no instruction manual.
5. Expectations vs reality
Before your baby came along, you (and potentially your partner) had lots of time to yourselves. I like to cal this B.C. (before child).
Even if you were busy then, you had control over where you directed your time and energy. That has now permanently changed. No longer will you be your first priority and this is a huge adjustment. The less we expect to control during this period of flux, the easier the transition is likely to be.
6. Try to set up time for you
The best tip I got early on was that when baby is sleeping to get sleep myself. This is incredibly hard because you may want to feel that there is a small amount of time for you to scroll through social media uninterrupted or read a book or zone out in front of the TV to catch up on the latest streaming series. However, when baby wakes after you finally go to bed and wont go back down all night, you may wish you had slept.
Later on, when things are a little more predictable, then it can be helpful to organise some time for date night – a few hours for you (and your partner if there is one) to unwind, reconnect and know that it is (hopefully) guaranteed time. Family members or a mother’s group babysitting exchange co-op can be ways to trust your baby is in good hands so you can focus on you (two).
7. Get support
This follows on directly from the step before because we may think we are superhuman but even wonder woman has her tribe on the island. Just knowing you are not alone or that you are not going crazy can be enormously reassuring.
Your local baby health clinic can link you up with the latest mother’s group with babies of a similar age and stage. This way you can compare notes on what works and how others are doing things. If you have friends or family who have babies of a similar age, then you already have a support base and this can be expanded together so it is not dependent on one person.
If you have an involved (or at least keen) family, they can help support you. There are lots of ways they can do this such as providing food in the first few weeks or babysitting further down the track. If you just need an uninterrupted shower then someone can take baby for a walk around the block for 20 minutes.
This is not an exhaustive list but hopefully it covers some FAQ.
Stay tuned for the next instalment on Toddlers.
If you have personal tips you would like to add, comment below, on the MotherMind FB page or on the blog site.
Or for something lighter, have a look at this:
