Taking care of you and your family: creating a circle of security for everyone

By EK Wills

Rarely do I plan anything for me but I like to put on events and usually do it for my kids. I do big birthday parties with elaborate themes and cakes as well as activities and it is all home-made.

Interestingly, this is the picture for many women who feel they need to support the family and make everyone’s lives cohesive and harmonious.

my daughter's cake for my birthday 2018 with Nana

I’m planning a big birthday at the moment but this time for me. I decided if I don’t do it, then no-one will.

We have a family tradition of everyone telling one thing from their day at the dinner table.

I had started preliminary research for my event and brought it up as my item of discussion. However, since everyone else had talked about their topic and finished their meal, they were ready to leave the table and it was given a cursory mention.

I tried another tactic and brought it up with my husband. Twice, he was busy with something else so I let it go for the time being. But he didn’t bother returning to the subject and I excused it as his reluctance to host a party because he is generally more introverted.

I fell into the trap of thinking that if I take the initiative then the family will follow suit and get as enthusiastic about it as I am. However, I made excuses that they were not keen because it involves preparation and socialising on a scale that they don’t do or with people that are not their peers so it is not relevant to them.

But then I started quietly fuming about it. I blew it out of proportion and got sullen. I started thinking “It’s not fair” and “Why do I have to make everything right for everyone else?”

Instead of sitting everyone down, starting with my husband, and explaining what I was feeling, I let it get to the point of yelling about it. When this happens, there is the danger of children being within earshot of it or getting caught in the crossfire and the very real possibility that neither will listen to the other because they are both angry.

At work in my parenting clinic, I was reminded of the Circle of Security model of care for children.

It promotes the concept of parent attending to the child’s needs and is vital for early secure attachment. It provides a secure base and safe haven for the child to grow.

When children get older, they become more self-sufficient and don’t need the intense physical care that young ones require but they still need emotional nurturing.

The same is true of parents. They spend much of their time giving energy, love and support to their children and often at the expense of themselves and/or their relationship. And it is generally not noticed until it becomes entrenched because it is a gradual process. You may have a regular date night but spend that time talking about children or planning how to manage current changes in family dynamics as they grow and change.

I often fall into this trap myself and even though I have been aware of it and spend much time moderating the family group, I can fail to make the space for me.

Sure, I have taken some time to do exercise or for doing exams but these are part of daily requirements. I haven’t always insisted on recognition of my contribution as peace-maker and adjudicator, planner and time management co-ordinator, and in providing emotional support for others.

This birthday is an attempt to make myself recognise that I need to take care of me as well as my family.

As a good first step to self-help for taking care of yourself and your family is the book Taking Care of Yourself and Your Family by John Ashfield. It was written with drought-affected communities in mind and was created in collaboration with beyondblue but it is a practical self-help resource relevant to everyone.

The premise of taking care of yourself and your well-being takes centre stage because if you don’t, it becomes harder to take care of your family and those you love.

It has useful information and practical strategies to promote good mental health for those that may not be in a position to seek help. It may be due to remote location or work commitments, lack of time or cost of services or any other reason or excuse.

The book is now available on booktopia or the PDF, otherwise there are many online resources at beyondblue for people in the community as well as professionals.

I work in mental health and still it takes effort to remember to take care of me so I urge everyone to make the time and seek out ways to support yourself in order to create a circle of security that includes you.

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