The Martyr Trap: When Being ‘Good’ Becomes Self-Destructive

By Dr EK Wills

Mars: half Ragdoll/half tabby

Have you ever felt unable to make a decision? Or now know how you feel?

Could you be prioritising everyone else's needs to the point where you feel stuck, resentful, or have simply lost touch with who you are?

This pattern of behaviour, often rooted in a desire to be seen as good or virtuous, can paradoxically lead to significant personal distress. It’s a concept I have heard referred to as the ‘martyr trap’.

Many carers and parents find themselves in such a situation when they are used to being the problem solvers and having to drop everything when their child or person needing care is in need. This can become a habit that is hard to break when the carer role dominates and no time is allowed for self-care.

There are powerful, albeit hidden, payoffs in staying stuck in this cycle. The external validation from being perceived as helpful or selfless can be compelling. However, the internal cost is immense. This constant self-abandonment for the sake of others can manifest in several destructive ways:

©artwork Coco Reid

Feeling Lost: A chronic sense of being stuck, unable to identify your own needs, desires, or sense of self.

Resentment: Bitterness builds towards those you are constantly accommodating, often leading to lashing out unexpectedly.

Self-Sabotage: Unconsciously undermining your own success or happiness because it conflicts with the role of the martyr.

Detachment: Checking out from your own life, feeling like a spectator rather than an active participant.

This can evolve into a form of passive self-destruction.This trap is often intertwined with perfectionism and being the ‘good girl’. Perfectionism can often present as striving for excellence in a performative way-  trying to address the need for approval. In the perfectionist's inner world, the internal critic takes centre stage, ensuring that any deviation from this self-sacrificing script is met with harsh self-judgement.

Breaking free from the martyr trap requires recognising that true self-worth is not dependent on perfection but rather in being the ‘good enough’ parent or carer. It involves learning to set boundaries, honouring your own needs, and understanding that attending to yourself is not selfish—it is essential for a healthy and authentic life. This ultimately helps those around you to respect healthy boundaries and consider everyone’s needs, including the carer’s.

What’s can you do today to take a small step towards caring for yourself?